Waiting

My first week back in California was one long blur of distractions.

I unloaded the car and hung my clothes in the closet. Rearranged the furniture in mom's guest bedroom downstairs. Put a desk in there for my computer, assembled the wires, nestled Charlie's pink bed in the corner near my feet.

I dusted the shelves of the antique bookcase and put my few material posessions on them: one bottle of lotion, a perfume, pink and purple nail polish, a small bag of grandma's gold jewelry. I had taken the little sign from our front door in Salt Lake City. It said "America" in glittery blue and red letters, but now it just looked gaudy and out of place on the wooden shelf. Next to the sign a plaque with my old photograph on it, the one that proves I served an LDS mission from 2006-2008.

I took off my wedding ring and placed it next to the lotion and perfume. In hindsight I suppose this was a pessimistic gesture, but somehow it just seemed wrong to keep it on.

My left hand felt naked without it, bare and groundless like a ship without anchor. Days would pass and something would seem missing, then I would see my ring on the shelf and begin weeping again.
I opened a checking account at the bank around the corner, ran errands for mom, took the car in for a smog check. All the while I kept a close and careful watch on my phone, waiting for the moment when Lee would break his silence. Days had passed since leaving Salt Lake, and still he hadn't called or e-mailed me back.

I thought it was Lee each time the phone rang. The doorbell would chime, and it was his face I hoped to see when I opened the door.

Do you even miss me?

I was tempted to call him so many times, tempted to give in and say Sorry, don't know what I was thinking. But somewhere inside I knew we couldn't play the old games anymore. The old ways wouldn't do. Lee needed to take some of the responsibility, I knew that. So I waited.

Called friends, ran errands, kept busy. Broke into tears between the chaos, in the still and silent moments alone.

Waited, waited, waited.