This post is a copy of my e-mail to Lee after I arrived in
California:
Dear Lee,
I'm sure by now you know that I've gone to California. There
are many things to say.
I want to start off by thanking you for the note you left on
my computer. That day was a very difficult, sad and emotional day for both of
us. You said some things that were very sweet, and after reading it I broke
down and cried for a long, long time. I love you, Lee. I love you, I love you,
I love you..... more than I will ever be able to express to you. None of the
words that I know seem good enough. I care for you deeply, Lee. I want you to
know that leaving was the hardest, most heartbreaking thing I have ever done.
For three days I have thought long and hard about our
marriage, and about how our differences were breaking us apart. Here are the
things I know: we did not share household responsibilities equally, like
partners. You like to have fun first and then work later -- the laid back
approach. Meanwhile I have more of a "work first, play later"
approach, and by default I ended up doing most of the household chores
(cooking, cleaning, dishes, shopping) on my own because you were busy playing.
I'm not saying that you never helped, because I know you did on occasion, but I
feel that those times were few and far between. Please don't misunderstand me, Lee.
I know you probably think I'm saying that you're a bad person, but this is NOT
what I'm trying to say. You are NOT a bad person, Lee. We're just different,
that's all.
I know we fought and discussed your gaming on many different
occasions. I always felt like you gave the best of your time, energy, thought
and talent to those games instead of to US and our marriage. You spent more
effort trying to save the world in your cyber-reality than you did trying to be
a real-life hero to me, your wife. Lee, I desperately needed you to be my hero
and my partner. Again, please don't think I'm saying that you're bad. You're
NOT bad. We're just SO different, Lee.
We have different life values. Perhaps other women out there don't care about
gaming like I do, but for THIS woman and this marriage the gaming is a big
problem that has steadily eaten away at our relationship.
The third big difference for us is our religious values. I
remember having discussions with you not too long ago, about how I wanted us to
progress together spiritually. I believe that a husband and wife should always
be trying to come unto Christ together. Becoming more like the Savior is a goal
that couples should be striving for together. I remember what you said about
it. You told me that you don't think scripture study, prayers, or Temple
attendance is important. I think you called it being "devout," and
you looked me in the eye and said you didn't want to be devout. You've always
told me that I'm the spiritual one in our relationship, as if my job was to be
a spiritual rock all by myself. The problem with this in a marriage is that one
partner grows spiritually while the other one doesn't, and instead of coming
closer together the two partners end up growing farther apart. This is what has
happened to us. You tell me all the time that you are not going to the
Celestial Kingdom with me. Do you know how badly it hurts to hear that? All my
life I have dreamed of having a forever marriage, and going to the Celestial
Kingdom with my husband. I remember what you said when I asked you why you
married me in the temple. You shrugged your shoulders and said that you were
raised a Mormon, and Temple marriage just seemed like the thing you're supposed
to do.
Again, this doesn't mean you are bad. You are good, Lee. So
good. We just believe different things. We need different things. We hope for
the different things. We want different things. Our differences are not
complimentary, unfortunately. Sometimes yin and yang don't work. Our
differences began driving us apart a long time ago, little bits at a time,
until finally all we ever did was hurt each other. It made you very sad to see
how unhappy and frustrated I was all the time. Sometimes I behaved very poorly,
raising my voice and using words that were unkind. I know I hurt you, and for
this I am so very, very sorry. Will you please forgive me? I hope you can
forgive me.
In your note you asked me to forgive you. I've searched my
heart, and I feel no anger or contempt towards you. I love you. There is
nothing to forgive. Remember when you said we've reached an impasse? I finally
saw that you were right. I left because I believe it was the right thing for
both of us. I didn't want to hurt you any more, Lee. More than anything I just
didn't want to hurt you anymore.
This is the part where I'm supposed to ask you to change,
but I've decided not to ask. You already told me how you feel about change and
I respect your decisions. Unfortunately our marriage needs a lot of change in
order to be saved.
If you feel inclined to save it, please let me know and
we'll go from there.
If not, I understand. I really do.
In your note you mentioned having vengeful thoughts. I know
that feeling vengeful is how you prefer to deal with difficult situations. You
must be feeling a great deal of grief and sorrow over this. I know I am. This
morning I went out to the patio to read scriptures, and I came across a
beautiful line in Mosiah 14:4 - "Surely He has borne our griefs and
carried our sorrows..." I know that the Savior is aware of us. He knows
who we are, and knows what we're going through. He has already carried our
pain. He can help us through it if we let Him. Please, don't let this pain turn
into vengeful thoughts or hatred. I don't want us to do ugly things to each
other. Please forgive me for my part in this, and please know that I have no
vengeful thoughts or animosity towards you. I want peace for you, Lee. You
deserve that and more.
Please forgive my mother for calling your mother. I know you
always felt like my mom didn't love you, but trust me, she does. She still
thinks you are a wonderful, good person, and understands that you and I are
just different. My mom cares very much about you, and was very concerned and
worried for your safety. She called your mother because she didn't want you to
be alone in all this. She didn't want you to harm yourself. That's all.
I don't regret the past either, Lee. There were many, many
parts of our relationship that were good and beautiful. I wouldn't trade those
moments for anything. I love you very much. There will always, always be a
place in my heart for you.
Love,
Bethany
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