I exchanged a few
e-mails with my dear friend Carrie, just weeks after Kaydee’s visit. They seem
an appropriate prelude to the darker upcoming chapters of my story, so with
Carrie’s permission I’m reprinting them here. Please note, in the interest of
privacy I have changed the name of her brother.
_______________________________________________________________________________
August 19, 2010
To Bethany:
How are you? How
was Kaydence's visit? I haven't talked to her yet, I never call her enough.
Miss your face.
C.S.
August 19, 2010
Hello my Carrie,
Kaydee's visit was alright. I feel bad because I was pretty lousy company, but it was really nice to get out of the house. She has cute stories about her boys, which are fun to hear. I wish I was more lively. Sometimes I worry that I'm far too quiet, lost in my own world of introspection while boring everyone else to pieces. It was incredibly sweet of her to come. I saw the ocean for the first time since coming back. It was beautiful, just how I remember.
I'm doing okay. I'm sure by now you've heard about everything, and why I'm even here in Cali in the first place. You know, it's funny.... I didn't cry when we left my father, and I didn't cry the day he decided that he never wanted to talk to me again. I didn't cry when I lost half my family, etc etc. But this whole divorce business....losing the love of my life..... this is the thing that finally broke my heart. I cry a lot, I drink a lot (okay okay, so it's just herbal tea and not Jack Daniel's, but you get the point) and every day it's a battle just to get out of bed. Like I said, lousy company.
I will never love anyone else.
The end.
How are you? How are things in New York? It's been quite awhile since we talked. Hit me up and tell me everything.
Love,
Bethy
Kaydee's visit was alright. I feel bad because I was pretty lousy company, but it was really nice to get out of the house. She has cute stories about her boys, which are fun to hear. I wish I was more lively. Sometimes I worry that I'm far too quiet, lost in my own world of introspection while boring everyone else to pieces. It was incredibly sweet of her to come. I saw the ocean for the first time since coming back. It was beautiful, just how I remember.
I'm doing okay. I'm sure by now you've heard about everything, and why I'm even here in Cali in the first place. You know, it's funny.... I didn't cry when we left my father, and I didn't cry the day he decided that he never wanted to talk to me again. I didn't cry when I lost half my family, etc etc. But this whole divorce business....losing the love of my life..... this is the thing that finally broke my heart. I cry a lot, I drink a lot (okay okay, so it's just herbal tea and not Jack Daniel's, but you get the point) and every day it's a battle just to get out of bed. Like I said, lousy company.
I will never love anyone else.
The end.
How are you? How are things in New York? It's been quite awhile since we talked. Hit me up and tell me everything.
Love,
Bethy
August 19, 2010
Oh Bethy Wethy
Waffle Face,
How my heart
aches for you. I can't imagine, the feelings, I can't imagine the pain. My dearest
brother Matthew was supposed to get married to the love of his life this summer
and she came back from a trip to Europe a month before the wedding to say she
no longer wanted to even speak to him. I have never heard him cry ever really,
but if he doesn't get choked up every other phone call. Oh the pain, the pain
of his broken heart. Makes me sick to think of it, to remember his words, his
tears. Kaydence and I used to say that he just needed to get his heart broken
and it would do him a lot of good. Well it is shattered and so now we are
waiting for the good. He says it makes him ill to think of loving anyone as
much as he loved her, that he can't share again what he has shared with her. I
have nothing to say to him. "Cheer up Charlie" will hardly suffice. But
this is not what you are going through. So why do I share this? I don't know.
All I can do is cry because he cries. So now I cry with you too. I cry because
you cry not because I fully understand the pain.
Oh Beth what to
say.... All I can think of is a line from my favorite geeked out series Babylon
5 (have you seen it?), the set up: An alien doctor catches a disease that is
killing every single member of his species (in the end it does, wipes out
everyone) and his human colleague is racing against the clock to save him.
Finally the alien doctor says "It's not about finding the right answer.
It's about what you do when you realize there is no answer." I have
thought about this a lot in the years since. What do you do when there is no
answer? Keep on I guess.
So when will you
stop crying? There is no answer.
When will you
want to get out of bed? No answer.
Will you ever
love someone else? No answer.
All I can say is
people still love you. Kaydence does, I do, your pants too and the fruit police
and the injuns and many others I am sure.
Keep on. I don't
know how long it will hurt. I wish with all my heart that I could take this on
for you. I really do.
I will pray for
you, I will cry for you and one day maybe we will know what we did when there
was no answer.
Me? I'm good.
Heart in one piece. Bruised, damaged and have had the mexican hat dance done on
it a few times in the past years not wanted by anyone at the moment but still
there. So I am fine.
I am
procrastinating writing a book review for a friend so I will give you a good
newsy email later.
All my love,
C.S.
August 20, 2010
My Carrie,
Thank you, thank you.
I am glad you told me about Matthew. In a way it IS what I'm going through, just on a slightly different level because I lived and dreamed and made love with my husband, day in and day out, for nearly two years before everything fell apart. When Matthew says it makes him ill to think of loving anyone as much as he loved her, I know how that feels. When he says that he can't share again what he has shared with her, I know what that means. I am so sorry about what happened to Matthew. It meant a lot that you shared it with me. I'm so very glad you did.
Thank you for allowing me my pain. I know that sounds like an strange thing to say, but everyone I talk to these days tries to tell me what to feel, what to think, how to be......how to grieve. I think your Babylon 5 perspective is the most enlightened thing I've heard for a long time. There is no answer.
I find that oddly comforting.
Thank you for understanding, for loving me anyway. :)
I hope your book review turned out the way you wanted it to. And yes, I fully expect a long newsy e-mail from you soon. Love you. :)
Bethy
Thank you, thank you.
I am glad you told me about Matthew. In a way it IS what I'm going through, just on a slightly different level because I lived and dreamed and made love with my husband, day in and day out, for nearly two years before everything fell apart. When Matthew says it makes him ill to think of loving anyone as much as he loved her, I know how that feels. When he says that he can't share again what he has shared with her, I know what that means. I am so sorry about what happened to Matthew. It meant a lot that you shared it with me. I'm so very glad you did.
Thank you for allowing me my pain. I know that sounds like an strange thing to say, but everyone I talk to these days tries to tell me what to feel, what to think, how to be......how to grieve. I think your Babylon 5 perspective is the most enlightened thing I've heard for a long time. There is no answer.
I find that oddly comforting.
Thank you for understanding, for loving me anyway. :)
I hope your book review turned out the way you wanted it to. And yes, I fully expect a long newsy e-mail from you soon. Love you. :)
Bethy
Two months later...it's time for an update!
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